My Story, Depression And Me.

Imagine This Balloon Is Your Depression- " Imagine a big red balloon. This balloon is tide to your wrist and you cannot lose it no matter how hard you try. You start of your day by lying in bed, you wake up angry because the balloon was keeping you awake all night, getting in the way and making you uncomfortable. 
You try and get dressed, it takes at least an hour to pick out an outfit you like because nothing would fit around or over this balloon. 
Then you hear a knock at the door it's your friend, she has come round for a chat but this balloon is constantly getting in between you both. You cannot concentrate and you give up and your friend leaves angry at you because you let the balloon get in the way of you both and she did not understand why you couldn't just let it go. In the end you just go back to bed and you cry yourself to sleep" 

                                            

With any Mental Health Disorder the hardest thing is trying to explain how it makes you feel and why it is controlling your life the way it does. I came up with this analogy when I had depression and it made it so much easier to explain to people how I felt and they was able to put themselves in my shoes.

My Story

In 2014, My depression started. I just left school and I was in my first "serious" relationship. I thought I was happy and why wouldn't I be. I just left the torture that we call SCHOOL. 

Over a few months I started hating everything that I once enjoyed. I looked at food the way drug addicts looked at heroin. It was the only thing that would make me feel happy. It was their when I was upset, alone and hopeless. My (ex)boyfriend and I was arguing almost everyday about the same thing and I would cry every night and not because of the arguments but because I didn't feel anything else but loneliness.

I had my good days and my bad days. Good days was me lying in bed alone, watching movies and eating junk food. My bad days was when I wasn't allowed or able to stay in bed all day. I had to interact with people and seem happy and smile when on the inside I was hollow. 

Eventually after a year, me and my ex broke up at first I was angry and upset for days and we did a trial run again and after that we both just knew that it was over and there was nothing their for us to fight for anymore.

Things Were Looking Up.

My depression was growing stronger and I felt more and more suicidal each day. But then I met someone new. For the purpose of their privacy lets call him Billy. Me and Billy was like peanut butter on toast we was made for each other ( so I thought) I was constantly laughing and happy everyday and not because I was pretending but because I was actually happy again. A few months went by and our love for each other was growing more and more.

So I Thought...

Then my depression woke up, it was like fire was coursing through my veins. I was sleeping 18hours of a 24 hour day. Food wasn't a comfort anymore it was an enemy. Every time I ate it was like someone grabbing my stomach and twisting it 360 Degrees. 

Me and billy started growing apart and at first he was supportive, loving an understanding but after a month that turned into loneliness, misery and just darkness.  

After a year it ended like a knife in the heart. I lost the soul reason why I was getting up each day, thinking of a future with someone and actual happiness. 

You are probably thinking he broke up with me but no I broke up with him. You are probably thinking why? I gave up everything for this monster that was inside me. Whispering in my ear everyday why no one loved me, why I didn't have a place in this world anymore and why no one would miss me. 

Depression is like a virus, you feel terrible, nothing is making the virus die, you are getting weaker each day. But then it gives you a glimpse of false hope. You feel like you are finally well again. You can party and see friends/family. Be you again. 

But then it hits you like a truck. You realise that you belonged to this virus, you are its pet you are not getting away no matter how hard you try.

You even go to the doctors and seek medical help for the first time. You are putting your life in this doctors hands. You expect a miracle, magic in bottle if you will. But then you realise that the miracle you was looking for is at the bottom a antidepressant bottle. 

You start with 10mg, 30mg, 50mg and then all of a sudden your on 100mg and still aren't feeling anything just this pill going down your throat each morning. 

Everything started Crumbling

In 2016 was when my depression was at it's peak. I had tried 3 different antidepressants drugs and give up on the 300th pill.  Countless hours of speaking to different medical professionals. Hearing the " Don't give up" sentence for the 1000th time. Sitting in that chair at the therapist office thinking about all the ways you could kill yourself. Hearing the Tic Tic Tic of the the clock above the therapist head counting down the minutes until I could escape this torture. 

When you think you are at your worst, depression surprises you again. It had a level past complete darkness. It is called " acceptance" You just accept the the pain and suffering you feel. You put down the weapons and stop fighting. You just lye there and feel complete acceptance come over your soul. 

The Peak Of Darkness

At the end of October 2016 I was walking  across a field just listening to complete nothingness. The sound of birds on the trees was on mute. The strong October wind not even processing on my red raw cheeks. I got home and faked a smile at my family and go upstairs to my room. Looking at the walls around and me accepting that I wont see this room again. I took the bottle of Pills and held them in my hand counting each one " 1,2,8,12" I started to cry thinking about all the things that are meant to stop me making this decision. 

Something snapped inside my head. It was like I stepped outside my body and was watching my self in somebody else's eyes. I saw the pain in my eyes. The emptiness in my heart and soul was dark and hollow. I saw the girl I always thought I would never be. The girl you hear about at school when you have the Mental Health Awareness days. The girl who thought she had nothing to fight. Her parents knocking down her door and just seeing their baby girl that they saw grow up, dead on the bedroom floor. 

I finally woke up and realised that I am much more then I thought I was. I'm a girl with a future, I had family that raised me from a baby and had hope and dreams for me. I could feel my mind being unchained from the monster we called depression. 

I through the tablets into the toilet and I saw them disappear and in that moment. I felt stronger, like I had purpose.  

I went back the Doctors and I started my new medication with a determination that it would work. I met with a new therapist and I sat there with a open heart and actually listened to everything that he was saying.

Depression is not a straight road and it is not an easy climb. It is a lot of obstacles, breakdowns, repairs and new strategies. When I was depressed It didn't just feel like there was no way out, I believed and told myself everyday that I was stuck in this never ending torture. But, when I finally lifted up my head and stood strong I could see the light I thought was never their. It was bright and glowing strong. After 3 months of treatment I was on the road to recovery. 

Conclusion

I was no longer depressed. It has been almost 2 years since that day and I don't ever see me going back. They say never say never but I say forget that! I  am a fighter and a component that depression would never fight with again. 

I was at the stage of depression where I had nothing. I felt absolute nothing.

They say nothing is stronger then your own mind and I 100% believe that. If you can fight depression you can fight anything. Remember depression only gets stronger if you let it. You are the master of your own mind so don't let someone else control it. 

I hope my story has helped you with what ever you are struggling with right now. I am always here for anyone to talk to. You can talk to me in the comments or even through my social media on private messaging if you just want to talk. 

Even though I no longer have depression that does not mean I wont help anyone who is suffering.

The more we tell our stories the more people we can rescue.

HELPLINES

Samaritans for anyone and everyone. Its open 24/7 everyday.
Call 116 123

Campaign against living miserably (calm)- Only men can phone up. It is open from 5PM till midnight everyday. Call 0800 58 58 58

papyrus- is for people who are 35 and under.
Call 0800 068 41 41 

Childline- Is for children and young adults under the age of 19
Call 0800 1111 

Mental Health Poem
This poem is called Demons of Darkness

She stood on the bridge
In silence and fear
For the demons of darkness
Had driven her here

They cut her heart
Right out of her chest
Making her believe
That the demons knew best

They were always there
Sometimes just out of sight
Waiting in the background
Till the time was right

These demons were destructive
Knocking down the life she knew
Hating everything about her
She hated herself too

These demons can't be seen
But they're far from fairy tales
They live inside your mind
Their evilness prevails

So on the bridge she stood
About to end the fight
Then she stopped and thought
I'll fight them one more night

Love from
Your new favourite stranger